SHE WAS SO BLONDE...
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
Sekmadienis, Gegužės 1
Penktadienis, Balandžio 22
Job Application
This is an actual job application submitted to a fast-food restaurant:
NAME: Greg B
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
NAME: Greg B
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Pirmadienis, Balandžio 18
A reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan to a pretty girl seeking a rich husband
A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.
My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?
I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty
A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.
My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.
Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money" : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year.
Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position".
If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".
Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.
signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.
My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?
I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty
A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.
My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.
Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money" : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year.
Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position".
If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".
Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.
signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO
Ketvirtadienis, Kovo 31
Night Before Sexmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
Sekmadienis, Kovo 13
Want to rent a flat?:))
From dontevenbother dot com ;) have a nice reading:
Original ad:
Hello. I am a responsible young professional looking to sublet a studio or 1 br apt in or around East village. I am looking to move in on Mar 15. 2000/mo is my budget. Thans
Hey,
I am leaving for London on business and need to sublet my studio apartment immediately. It is a beautiful spacious apartment in the East Village (near Tompkins Square Park). Rent is $1750/month and you can move in as soon as February 25th. Please let me know if you are interested.
Regards,
Mike
From Ari ****** to Me:
Hi Mike thanks for responding. A few questions: how big is the apt? how long can is the lease til? do you have any pics or a floor plan? I want to move in on mar 15- is that ok?
From Me to Ari ******:
March 15th is fine with me. The apartment is 370 square feet. I don't have any pictures, but I have included a floor plan to give you an idea of the layout of the apartment. The lease is up in November 2011, but you have the option to renew if you wish. Please let me know if you have any more questions about the apartment.
Mike
Attachments:
From Ari ****** to Me:
Mike did you send me the wrong plan or is there really a pool in your apartment.
From Me to Ari ******:
Oh, yes. I should have mentioned the pool. I had an exercise pool installed in the apartment because I was training for a swimming marathon. It is a really nice pool. It is 39 inches deep with powerful jets and a vinyl liner. The pool is great if you like to swim.
Mike
From Ari ****** to Me:
Thats a pretty important thing to forget to mention, doncha think?! It takes up the whole f-ing apartment! How is there no bathroom?? Where am I supposed to shower and sleep?
From Me to Ari ******:
I know, it is a really nice pool. I usually use the kitchen as the bathroom. You can either pee in the sink, or out the window. The window overlooks an alley behind 5th St, and most of the time nobody walks below you. Even if you do piss on someone, you are on the 7th floor so they will probably have no idea where it came from. By the time it hits them, you will most likely be zipped up and have the window shut. The sink has a garbage disposal in case you need to take a dump.
Showering? You don't need to shower - you have a pool! Just go for a swim any time you are trying to wash off.
Sleep? I've got that covered too. I have an extremely comfortable pool raft I sleep on. It is like sleeping on a waterbed! It has a couple of cup holders you can put your phone/keys/beer/whatever in. I'll include this with the apartment for an extra $10.
I am free tomorrow if you want to check the place out and fill out the sublet papers.
Mike
From Ari ****** to Me:
Hmm well yes that does sound nice, but I am looking for a place where I dont have to shit in my sink and sleep in a goddamn pool. Come on man! Good luck finding someone to rent you'll need it!
From Me to Ari ******:
You don't have to shit in the sink, it is just an option. You can also shit out the window, or shit in a bucket next to the window and dump it out the window. There is an Indian restaurant that backs up to the alley, so it already smells like shit down there.
At least come over and try my raft before you decide that sleeping in a pool is a bad thing. I'll even throw in a couple of pool noodles for free.
Mike
From Ari ****** to Me:
Stop trying to sell me your POS apartment, if you can even call it that. You know what makes an apartment an apartment? A bed. Bathroom. Furnature. NOT A FUCKING POOL.
Why am I arguing with you? This is fucking ridiculous. Conversation over.
From Me to Ari ******:
Why are you so afraid of sleeping in this pool? Be honest, do you not know how to swim? If so, I can give you the number of a good lifeguard I know.
From Ari ****** to Me:
Shut the hell up. I hope you drown in your pool!
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Original ad:
Hello. I am a responsible young professional looking to sublet a studio or 1 br apt in or around East village. I am looking to move in on Mar 15. 2000/mo is my budget. Thans
From Me to **********@********.org:
Hey,
I am leaving for London on business and need to sublet my studio apartment immediately. It is a beautiful spacious apartment in the East Village (near Tompkins Square Park). Rent is $1750/month and you can move in as soon as February 25th. Please let me know if you are interested.
Regards,
Mike
From Ari ****** to Me:
Hi Mike thanks for responding. A few questions: how big is the apt? how long can is the lease til? do you have any pics or a floor plan? I want to move in on mar 15- is that ok?
From Me to Ari ******:
March 15th is fine with me. The apartment is 370 square feet. I don't have any pictures, but I have included a floor plan to give you an idea of the layout of the apartment. The lease is up in November 2011, but you have the option to renew if you wish. Please let me know if you have any more questions about the apartment.
Mike
Attachments:
From Ari ****** to Me:
Mike did you send me the wrong plan or is there really a pool in your apartment.
From Me to Ari ******:
Oh, yes. I should have mentioned the pool. I had an exercise pool installed in the apartment because I was training for a swimming marathon. It is a really nice pool. It is 39 inches deep with powerful jets and a vinyl liner. The pool is great if you like to swim.
Mike
From Ari ****** to Me:
Thats a pretty important thing to forget to mention, doncha think?! It takes up the whole f-ing apartment! How is there no bathroom?? Where am I supposed to shower and sleep?
From Me to Ari ******:
I know, it is a really nice pool. I usually use the kitchen as the bathroom. You can either pee in the sink, or out the window. The window overlooks an alley behind 5th St, and most of the time nobody walks below you. Even if you do piss on someone, you are on the 7th floor so they will probably have no idea where it came from. By the time it hits them, you will most likely be zipped up and have the window shut. The sink has a garbage disposal in case you need to take a dump.
Showering? You don't need to shower - you have a pool! Just go for a swim any time you are trying to wash off.
Sleep? I've got that covered too. I have an extremely comfortable pool raft I sleep on. It is like sleeping on a waterbed! It has a couple of cup holders you can put your phone/keys/beer/whatever in. I'll include this with the apartment for an extra $10.
I am free tomorrow if you want to check the place out and fill out the sublet papers.
Mike
From Ari ****** to Me:
Hmm well yes that does sound nice, but I am looking for a place where I dont have to shit in my sink and sleep in a goddamn pool. Come on man! Good luck finding someone to rent you'll need it!
From Me to Ari ******:
You don't have to shit in the sink, it is just an option. You can also shit out the window, or shit in a bucket next to the window and dump it out the window. There is an Indian restaurant that backs up to the alley, so it already smells like shit down there.
At least come over and try my raft before you decide that sleeping in a pool is a bad thing. I'll even throw in a couple of pool noodles for free.
Mike
From Ari ****** to Me:
Stop trying to sell me your POS apartment, if you can even call it that. You know what makes an apartment an apartment? A bed. Bathroom. Furnature. NOT A FUCKING POOL.
Why am I arguing with you? This is fucking ridiculous. Conversation over.
From Me to Ari ******:
Why are you so afraid of sleeping in this pool? Be honest, do you not know how to swim? If so, I can give you the number of a good lifeguard I know.
From Ari ****** to Me:
Shut the hell up. I hope you drown in your pool!
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Excuse notes
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Penktadienis, Kovo 4
Kabinimo frazės [angliškos] antra dalis
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so
I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere
I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your
Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the
only one talking to you.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps
going and going.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger
King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right
away.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that
someone beat me to it.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would
be McGorgeous.
Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl:"Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."
I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere
I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your
Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the
only one talking to you.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps
going and going.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger
King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right
away.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that
someone beat me to it.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would
be McGorgeous.
Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl:"Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Trečiadienis, Vasario 16
Valentinkės žodynėlis
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
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